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i think i have been helping myself.
when you are thinking, it is so "can't find a word for it"
basically my thoughts are flying all over today.
anywhere, staring into roads and running people, or just sitting on the sofa and reading notes, can generate loads of insights.

but i'm not that anal.
i can't remember all those insights.
and i dun.
too lazy to permanently encode.
yet they might have been internalised already. who knows?

i think in the morning i was getting quite stressed.
sudden build up of stress.
or sudden release of control mechanisms?
but it's been absolut.
being busy with publicity for it, that i still haven't done the main admin stuff.
haven't recruited the full comm yet.
there's still programs to help out with.
suddenly when lin yen, su teck, and yvonne all asked me alot of stuff about absolut,
i was like urgh,... damn... people are after me already, and i still haven't got things done.
not all.
but i haven't been slacking.
not at all.
i spend 2 nights, 2 hours each trying to figure out how to send the html email.
before that it was designing, touching up, and printing it out for noticeboards.

and i need to read.
i WANT to read.
everytime i end up at swaps table, it would likely be talking to lin yen or javen about programs.
sometimes gene comes along, taking a break from his mugging.
yah he better dun complain about mugging sadly.
I CAN'T EVEN MUG NOW.
Spending my most alert time running around doing the pubs stuff, and still have to do other admin work, is not the best way to cope.

YET THIS IS MY BEST STUDYING WEEK.
I absorb super fast.
Alert for very long periods.
Thanks to exercise and longer sleep.
(correlation relationship, can determine causal rel)

The main point.
Stressed.
Yet i'm ok by afternoon.
Super fast recovery huh?
If you know me last sem, i would be sulking and super passive for few days.
I think the "making peace with yourself" book is helping.
confronting your weaknesses, facing them is the proper way.
so instead of blaming myself for being inperfect and then trying to set an unrealistic standard for myself to acheive,
i admit my weakness, and ask for help. and also to seek immediate ways of resolving worries.
reconciling with myself, channels away bad energies.
and i didn't have to suffer from self-impeachment and stuff like that.
wow.
it was useful.
i immediately got down to clear all my mailing work for absolut. Once that worry is gone, my mood turns for the better also.
Being quick to react, save me from pulling myself down into realms of self-torture.

Still i have to plan my time properly for the next few days.
get more things done.
i really want to get my readings done.
reading time is super short and super precious.
therefore it helps to remain focused also when studying
quality time. not quantity time.

You might think what takes me so long to realise.
I might have been self-enveloping myself for too long, so hard to break through my own fallacies.
Also you might be committing hindsight bias.
You never saw it as a problem until i told you, and maybe also you think you have advise me before and thought i must have been influenced long ago. But then again, i dun remember any of anyone's advice.

so what's my point?
duh... lost.
ha... but who cares. just releasing my bad energies thru blogging.
dun bring unresolved issues to bed.
you can't sleep well.
the more conflicts you can resolve or block off before rest,
you can enjoy a better sleep and rest,
and wake up fresher tomorrow.
then you would be more fresh to deal with your problems.
then you will feel better.
then you will sleep even better.
and the more problems you can solve later.
then the better your feelings will get.
then .....

you get the idea....

a sort of dead blog... hee

...
hard maintaining a blog hoh.
but this has been a place uh... for me to write down things i have learnt before right?
yah i remember myself writing this long ago.

so exams are near again.
for everyone, it's time to reiterate again some simple ways to cope with mugging
1 exercise! because exercising strengthens your body, increase stamina and every else good. basically it works well for me because it extends my concentration span, and reading becomes more fruitful because the brain is more fit to absorb!

2 sleep more. studying longer doesn't mean less sleep. perhaps we should stick to a regular amount of good sleep. couples with exercise to give good benefits for absorbing material. also, it means spending QUALITY time when studying. What's the point of sitting at the desk and falling asleep every 10 min?

3 relax. there's only so much we can do now. worrying excessively hinders processsing. and tires the mind. kills the extra brain cells you will need. you need to be aroused to absorb better and be alert. but not by worrying. try making notes and thinking of real life examples to relate what you are thinking.

4 more to come. and it depends on everyone. you have your own style. ha


me. i have being busy with absolut stuff after i have finished my test and assignments.
i'm my own publicity head for the camp.
doubling up, but sure it won't kill me.
no point having a big comm and also no point for me to just monitor.
i need to do some real work
i hope though that programs work well.
i'm going to plough thru my group dynamic books to help programs out

didn't expect myself to be on so many fronts this sem.
this is much varied than last sem
and if i can overcome this.
i will only become stronger.

i'm starting to read this book called "making peace with myself"
long time since i read a non-academic related book.
what the hell have i been doing.
but this looks to be quite an exciting read.
cos i am quite like what i'm reading.
i need to start making some peace with myself.
before i burn myself out by demanding too much from myself.

Point of Self-reflection
Remember some of my pri sch friends and sec school friends like to comment this during gatherings. "zhisheng never change at all loh"
well... come to think of it now.
which part?
some say the same face, the same hairstyle and such.
hee.. i know i dun spend on drastic changes.
is that why they think so?
i would wear the same specs for few years... cut nearly the same hairstyle... dun go for hairstylist....
spend on cheap clothes... at least those not so ex one.

so basically you see the same zhisheng year in year out.
well money is used on other meaningful things... meaningful then to me.
the result... dun spend on things i dun find necessary.
but i do control my finance.
and tightens it often.
i would think i have cultivated a habit to control finance.
basically cos i realise that i dun have the luxury of a lot of money.
everytime my mother talks about the money and finances part... i would not react.
but i catch it nonetheless unconsciously.
and the next thing you know... i would re-consider and re-consider every single time i'm spending money.
it might not seem to have any link to my topic of non-changing image.
but actually they are the cause and benefit of each other.


urgh,... blog diarrhoea.

working out an old machine

i went jogging today.
and oh man.
i felt like i'm working out on an out of touch machine body.
you know it.
i dunno why when i jog, the area behind my ears hurt.
i believe it's the temporal lobe region.
anyone knows why, please tell me.
the last time i jogged, it was worse. i had to stop running cos it hurt too much.
never had this problem.
hee... right ankle still feels shaky.
but the muscles are ok... just take time to warm up

i think i want to really work out now.
before my body turns hard.
challenging myself physically needs a good and flexible body...

hee...

lack of time
lots learnt
lots to say

but always so tired after a day's work
sujun's father died, sudden heart attack

pc, wq, xy, qy, sj,
all girls... all lost loved ones... within the last 4 months
paid respect to leonard on sun.
it's being 5 years...

the issue of life and death seems to knock on my doors very often
it's time to consider it's effects.

i was, and still am greatly influence by one of the tutorials that i attended for chinese tradition.
it's this article about "Free and Easy Wandering" or 逍遥游 by Chuang Zi.

The essence of this story is that if we can overlook the structures and rules that exist, we will achieve true freedom of the self.
That is to say, if i really want to be creative, i would have to break free from all previous bias, and preconceptions and many more.
For me, the greatest repercussion would be that to achieve true happiness and sense of freedom, i would have to break free from the constant and daily struggles of life.
so if i feel unhappy trying to be the best performer, i would really achieve free and easy wandering when i'm able to look past the material reward of being the best.

Then I AM truly released. :)


but
but i know i am not.
i am trying though.
today during grp dynamics tutorial, as usual i was grouped together with charlie and gene.
they are two super overpowering characters.
leaders in their own way.
charlie as usual, afraid people dun know about his sudden sparks of genuis, achievement, capabilities. which yah, if i just take it as a joke, i can accept.
ha
gene, always so assuming. just by listening to him, you are really likely to be influenced and lead around by his argument.
but the more i am able to listen to the content of this argument...
there is quantity and no definite ans.
it sounds more convincing then truly useful.
it's not about the content. it's how you put it.
not always lah. but during today's tutorial i find it so.

so when two of them combined, i naturally took a step back.
woh...
can't take the constant articulation by both of them.
both trying to be prominent.
this is wat i feel when i place myself as an outsider observing them
i would gladly stay out.
with reference to the things i learn at the top of this post,
(considering that i'm very 好胜, i would want to be more prominent than them)
it would be really chaotic if i try to outdo them
i think i was trying to break free from power struggle.
and yah, i think that was a wiser move for myself.
such is the power of learning.

but i was getting bored and uninterested during lunch when the assuming them tried to impose their conceptions and ideas about absolut camp to me.

charlie: more talk than work. still remember he threw a lot of ideas for foc lah, definitely i'm grateful for that, but it was the program cell who really went thru shit to give you the solid touchable program. not charlie. his reason: i can't do commmittee work lah.
to me it sounds like he just want the fun and not the shit. hence charle's saying which i remember till now, "Charlie is only a camp phenonmenon".
just somehow i dun feel good to be treated like an apprentice trying to learn much from him.
too much pride maybe. yah think so.
but it's just not a nice feeling.

gene: ha if you are seeing this, you need to put words into work. just talking about it won't solve things. ideas.. yes... please jot them down and discuss it with relevant people, IN RELEVANT TIMES, then monitor it. i'm anal,... need to see results and not just talks.
yah... no offence really though.
just that you as a president should also learn to accept criticism.

I know i always find it super hard to accept criticism.
but i'm still trying hard.

i probably have been thinking...

Did i become a leader because i went to OCS,
or was i already a leader therefore i went to OCS?
It paraphrase to did i underwent the training and learnt to be a leader, or being a potential leader allowed me to go and shoulder the training?


How am i as a leader to you?

that was the end of a rather hectic week,
the past one
by fri, my free day,
when i was about to end the week with a planned exercise plus meetings regime.
i found my body responding badly
no strength... and thus no swimming for the morning
even on the MRT also feel like sleeping.
can't read anymore.
ergh.....
burnt out
need to recuperate.
(i didn't think i would burn out... but perhaps the test and responsibilities for swaps got the better of me)

anyhow... come sat
the Handover dinner.
eh.. wowo...
not value for money
the indonesian food wasn't too bad... but it was far from satisfactory.
and this year's atmosphere wasn't too exciting compared to the previous one.
yah.. they say maybe it's the restaurant setting.
and also partly becos of the people and seating arrangement.
putting all the heads / p cell people of 2 comms sitting together does not encourage communications, well... the people we clicked most are not within p cell either.
point to consider... linyen... and which is why i always say to tell p cell the plan.
apparently, i do not know everything that is happening,
somehow, if things are not even transparent within p cell itself,
it is very hard for us to project a unified front.
you wouldn't want me to keep rebutting you in front of everybody.

and as usual, the dinner ended with lots of photo-taking.
and i think i am finally getting the gist out of doing night / people photography.
nothing great about the pictures.
but it's getting sharper and brighter.
i came to realise the more important aspects of taking pictures of people.
they must pose for you, so thus less candid shots
the light must be good, i'm getting sick of editing it in photoshop
and stability, hence i bring my tripod along every time.

haha, now about me working on sun
worked at bar instead of the outlets,
so got a chance to pour drinks this time at a ballroom that was hosting the "Merlion International Dancesports Competition"
wow...
i still dun really know what kind of dancing you would call that, but it's those type that has guys and girls dancing damn jerkily, elegantly, sticking close to one another, girls in very glittering and exposing pieces, guys in their "like sticking to the body" waist high pants and tight shirt.
and yes.. doing their samba, waltz, rumba, quickstep, venice waltz, cha cha!
wow... i watched the whole day!
and i probably can differentiate now between the different kinds of dance.
and yes after watching so much,
i do have a little interest in it now.
though i think i can't dance for nuts.
the feeling of waltzing elegantly and beautifully, in a world of your own, with your partner...
is just too "wan-the-four"
kekeke