Blog

Saw this from my OCS friend, Alvin Cai's blog. It's his account for JCC.
I found it to be quite vivid, and memorable. Well written article.
Pasting it here to let you all understand wat we have gone thru also.
Will soon be adding my own account too.

Brunei

Talking to Ganesh over ICQ just now made me remember the days of Brunei (it's his turn to go in one week!) He's going to experience the fires of Hell! For the JCC Badge, Suffering and Pain shall be his price!

In camp, daytime will always be a bustle of activity;stress and tension levels become high and compunded by e searing sun, irritation and headaches brew. The nights are cool and filled with the chirping of chicadas - 1000s upon 1000s of them. In the very early morning, you will observe a multitude of birds swooping down on them for breakfast.

Sleeping time will always begin past midnight and it will become the most priceless commodity. You will relish the time when you are thrown into the deep dark brunei forests(actually it's rather sparse from generations of singapore soldiers) cos after 7pm when you look down you cannot see your toes(blocked by the boots, damn) and its mandatory catch up on zzzZZ time!

Then in the 2nd week, the dreaded Chill-Hermit occurs. It's a 5days stay in the jungle all alone with your sharp(ouch!) parang and no food time. With the surrounding jungle as your building blocks, you are faced with the gargantuan task of creating shelter, fireplace, smoke tepee, animal traps, weapon, fishing rod etc etc. You feel like crying when you are inserted by boat and see the emptiness of mud surrounding you.

Hunger becomes a heavy burden upon your mind by the end of the 1st day. The incessant gnawing drove me to nibble on various leaves and roots to no avail. Then on the 3rd day afternoon the hum of the outboard motor signifies the instructors coming to visit you. Desperately touched up everything nicely so that i would get my FOOD REWARD. Got it and god, was it good. We gathered at one spot where my friend had a merry fire going and slowly steamed our rice and chicken wing. Then horror of HORRORS, Junjie the clumsy ass knocked over my mess tin full of rice. The stab in my heart was beyond mere human comprehension as i saw my salvation mixing with the mud(what else)

I picked it all up :)

After 5 days and 2 chicken wings later, you are hele-inserted onto this mountain site along with your team of 5. There is approximately a 24hr combat ration packet with everyone so food's less of a problem now(it's supposed to last you till you reach camp) There are several designated checkpoints to visit and the journey is cross country with the river being the main point of reference throughout. For speed, much of the time was spent travessing in the river itself as the banks were blocked by seriously thick vegetation. After rain, we had to wear life-vests and were floating along in the river at its deepest.

The time limit was 5 days but my team fortunately reached the Endpoint in 3days.

It was the most punishing thing i had ever gone through but also the most memorable and rewarding! As I write this, vivid scenes of myself rummaging for jungle vines still run though my brain. Wouldn't go through it again for a 1000 000 dollars.

Safe journey Ganesh!

last lecture of psych for today.
Dr Cha will be going for his Reservist, so Psych Lect ends officially today. As usual, attendance is not full, even less than half, but i really enjoyed his lecture. Informative. Clear. Quite entertaining. Always remember when he has clips to play... there is always a sound of "yeah!" echoing in around in the seats.
At the end of the lecture, he give a slight concluding slide to the module. Which many of us found to be very touching. After all Dr Cha was such a good lecturer, and hardworking one, judging by all his efforts for tutorial. Funny jokes, ha... so now we can tell people that the only psychologist we know is not Sigmund Freund, and the most well known behaviourist is B F Skinner. As well as telling people Piaget is not a French, but a Swiss, and his Jean is pronounced as John and not Jeans.
Really thank you Dr Cha

That part of the day after that wasn't pleasing though. After lecture, i had my CL tutorial, last probably, well the tutor was fun, very fun guy, as long as we spoke, we get points. And really think 句法分析 is not that hard anymore. So i want to do well for CL too.

But after that, got a 17th comm meeting. To decide and sign up for the IMM thing this sun. Sad, got to sacrifice this sun, and then Teck Huat came along with a thick thick survey, helping Jessie Koh to do one. A lot of us were suaning him for giving us so long surverys to do, but i guess it wasn't fair for him, well he was being really helpful. Then Javen comes along and tell me that i have to help him collect the newsletter. Well, i agree i wasn't displaying a postive attitude, and i'm really sorry if i sounded bad, Jav. But i wasn't really too happy. Cos exams are near, and assignment datelines are around the corner, i guess i really wanted to put down the SWAPS things for now. Totally put down. But i guess i couldn't run away with the responsibility part. I need to justify my own standard of responsibility. For a behaviour that i had portrayed to people, i must increase my commitment to justify it. Cognitive dissonance, remember?
But wat really made me mad was the failure to follow wat i had planned for today.
I always try to plan ahead. So i had already had a plan on wat time to do wat today. Like my usual behaviour, i really dun want to waste time, i didn't have any time to waste on talking. But well, the collecting newsletter thing came along and i was only able to start studying at 3. I had almost lost all moods and patience earlier on. Bad of me? I just get touchy when things i plan for fail to materialise. I always dun like my mother for that, but hey! i have the same attitude. Is it genetic? or is it parental influence?

Well, since today is relatively spoilt, i didn't really force myself to study liao. Only prepared to go catch PIE tonight. Really wanted a nap in the afternoon, i'm really worried i would fall asleep while watching PIE (which really happened just now in the show). Went to esplanade library first to return my "Three Sisters" while helping Shiyun to find her study guide on Blood Wedding. Then we walked back to City Hall to meet Natasha and Jake
Was joined by Stanley and Shilei i think later.
Well, PIE was really Brechtian, super Brechtian, wonder why Ken say it's realist.
Donating 2 bucks for a Preparotry Device like a Program Booklet is not encouraging, but well the lady 撒娇 -ed, what can i do. I can't stand that.
Anyway at Jubilee hall, quite ex ah... no brains ha!
It was a very difficult play to understand.
And tot i heard some of them say they almost falling asleep too.
But the play got interesting towards the end. In fact it was quite a deep play. Just that i couldn't get it. Over the trip home, Natasha, Jake and I were still discussing about it. Well if Dr Seet ask me again the qn:" So do you enjoy Brechtian play or Realist play?"
i would defintiely say realist now. Although i would then be just passively absorbing the play. But well, on the other hand, i also enjoy chatting about the meaning of the play just now with Natasha ans Jake. I guess the truly enjoyable part comes from understanding the play, and that takes time.
However like Dr Seet also said, once you understand the play, you will get double enjoyment too!
Was talking happily to Natasha and Jake, chatted about all that was happening in our NUS lives now. I felt quite good being able to quote a lot of things from psych, that's if i'm not using too much of it in my speech liao. Then when Natasha left at Bedok MRT stn, i asked Jake, then i confirmed my suspicions. Ha Natasha is not Chinese, she's a Malay girl, but i dun think you would believe it if you see her. Same like Najiah, they look like Chinese. By the way, by identifying her as a malay now, i have unconsciously added a stereotype on her. I was fortunate to be able to retract back straight away from slightly prejudicing her, cos i was really chatting happily with her just a moment ago. I reaffirmed the belief that that is really nothing about being malay or chinese, we are all men and women!

Well Boss lost her phone today. Sad case. Yup, she was careless to have left it in the toilet. Sadder is that someone in NUS actually steals her hp and money inside her wallet. It's so sad loh. Theft's quite rampant in NUS,remember Yanli lost her 2000bucks for buying notebook on the first day of school. That's like crazy loh. Well hope they get over it, and hope boss will get over it soon. Just while i was writing this, heard a shout on the opp block. One Malay guy was shouting down from 6 floor, and even asked those below to look up. I guess someone was trying to steal cars, and vandalise, but the man saw them and threaten to call the police. Well, that's wat Neighbours should be doing right? That's what it is about living in a community!

recalling wat i read about in that issue of i-weekly (check Sun Oct 26, 01:56:38 PM blog entry),
i tried my best to make that effort to talk to people today... and not be passive anymore.
It's about taking that step.
Also read from Nevid Text today on Social Psychology, something inside reflects something interesting, if you are friendly to others, they tend to be friendly to you too, reciprocal interaction they call it.
I really like psychology, the intro module i'm taking now is really useful , helps me to understand a lot of things, and provide concrete words for my worries, and help me to explain them. Sometimes, it even provide me with an awareness and solutions.

For example, i realised something from this slightly busy week. I really haven't talk much, let alone laugh. I am really quiet for 70% of the day, and remember Nevid mention before our expressions can affect our moods and feelings and thinking too (think Duchenne Smile), so onw of the reason that i'm feeling so lethargic and listless could well be due to my inactiveness! Exam stress ha. Relax Zhisheng, try to talk more, enjoy your life more, and try to balance. Ha.... there is a time for everything. I know you know that. Cheers!

Long time no sing, to me singing helps release stress. not singing at all over the past 4 months proves a bit too depressing huh.. ha ...
Well 3 weeks boy 3 weeks.

busy day... didn't had a chance to really sit down
i guess this has to be one of the busiest day in NUS, the other prob is the week with MAF, Psych Test, Meeting, Chinese Studies Essay.

Well the day starts at 12pm, TS prac, then 2pm, CH lecture, then 4 got GEK Proj Meeting, then 15 min dinner, then 5.30pm TS rehearsal, although only me and maggie turned up. until 7, then i returned to SWAPS table to rest for 5 min, then rush to Library and slog on my project till 9.45pm. Woh... packed day...

Thinking of it, exam is only 3 weeks later...

Saw Yueheng on the bus when going to school, found out from him that there is an interesting module to be taken, Film and History. Ha get to see a lot of films, but need to criticise in a follow up essay form. Good that get to watch a lot of good films, bad that now need to force to write something about it. Ha. But sounds interesting, going to take it.

During CH lecture, saw a clip on China during the Opium War. Wow... damn political film, portraying China in such a pathetic way, and the tone of the voice... but as a Chinese, i somehow was really influenced by it, China, 5000 year history, gets bullied in such a way by foreign powers. Well, i was so moved by American army after watching so many films like Windtalkers, We were soldiers, Saving Private Ryan, i had so positive an image of american soldiers. Well that prompt me to forget that American soldiers were amongst the powers that devoured China. Well history, really depends on how you have been exposed to it, cos things can really get distorted. But i understand it's very objective, so i shall not discriminate any side.

clarify something first....
about my perspective in love, i would say it's very idealogical
i really dunno how i would react in real situations.

Dr Cha played Taboo game during tutorial today.
Lots of rules, rather like charade. Only that the clues, if it's psychological related, would yield more points.
Ha, was so scared can't make it.
But well it was so exciting!
Was so fun when i concluded the first round for my group within 1min
It was easy, Anorexia Nervosa, and i gave the example of karen carpenter, bingo straight away. The other one was Mnemonics, i gave the example hippopotamus used to resemble hippocampus, and my group got it too! was damn happy.
Well i think that's why they used the Joker on me for the 2nd round, and i think i earned them 1 point and gave away 4 to others.
Sad... but well i like this game, test a bit on charade skills, and how well you remembered the terms.

After TS lecture, supposed to meet sylvia they all after their french cuisine seminar.
Well i was told need to wait for another half an hour, but turned out to be 1 hour 15 min. Sian, good that around 8 i saw Ken and Judy, at least someone to chat with.
Ha, Ken when young also have big years, like me when young, Ee Wah like to call my Chao feng er 招风耳... ha ok.
Later went with those canoe guys to clementi to eat.
Was actually intending to stay for just a while before leaving.. .want to complete my project. But after starting to chat, well seriously enjoyed the chat, so i just stayed all the way to 10.45pm.
Something interesting.
Poh Choo is actually harassed by this Medicine Undergraduate since early this year!
It's like, i thought this kind of senario only occurs in drama
The guy has been pestering her for nearly 10 months liao
Ha, Poh Choo was getting so irritated with him.
Hmmm, she rejected 3 calls over the time we were having dinner loh.
Wah... so dramatic right?
Well, Poh Choo is your typical sweet-naive-cute girl.
Not surprising guys are attracted to her, but over 10 months, this guy has stamina man.
Especially after so much rejection.
But well, persevere, perhaps it might pay off, and change your tactic a bit, dun sound so bossy.

Ha poh choo is so cute, when she eats, she concentrates so much on her food, didn't realised that until Junhong brought it out. She carefully divides her food into edible portions. Junhao also told me this incident that she eats the chicken wing, where she slice the top part, then the bottom part, then the middle one.
Wah... her upbringing is good, junhao and i both agrees.

Played a trick on her. We scared her saying scarly the doctor-to-be is waiting for her again below her block, then on her way home, she say she scared now. I said casually i sending Junhao now to protect her, and she actually believes! She called junhao, to tell him no need to come. Wah... so innocent, so naive, so cute ... ha. Shit she's going to beat me up one. Haha.

was looking at NaNa's blog, then i suddenly feel i should jot this down,
despite i was reading for my psych tutorial tomorrow.
Written this down in one of my black notebook, the type we MUST carry around in the army
so i searched high and low for it
here's it

Woman is created from a bone of a man
Not from his head, to be above him
Nor his feet, to be walked upon
But from his chest, to be hugged
Near his arms, to be protected
And close to his heart, to be loved

I saw this during one of the OCS Lectures
(no, OCS dun teach this, it's in the wallpaper of the lecturer)
I immediately scribbled it down
Cos it represents my perception of love.
I searched high and low to find it
Cos it represents wat i would give the woman i love.

A lot of people asked me why i dun have a girlfriend.
Ha, the gals ask more than the guys.
I always said:
" If i am not confirm that this is the girl for me, i won't go and chase her, because wat if i dun like her anymore in the future, won't i be breaking her heart? I do not want any girl to be heartbroken because of me"

now i asked myself:
"Have i already missed the woman of my life?"
"If i didn't any experience to start with, won't i risk jeopardising my relationship with the woman of my life"
"Without trying in the first place, how would i know that this is not the woman of my life?"

So it's me not giving those girls a chance.
and it's me not giving myself a chance
I have a strange trait, if i had a liking for this girl, and she's suddenly attached, or another is courting her, then i would give up my liking for her. I didn't want to compete. Or was i just too inferior?
I have not been giving myself the chance. I have written off myself.
Dun know wat i'm thinking.
But i have always been keeping to my stand.
If i am not confirm this is the woman of my life, i'm not going to break her heart.

BUT if i found her, I would love her like she's the bone in my rib cage.
i would protect her, and give her the best i could offer (hope by then still rationally)
I won't be interesting or romantic on the surface, cos that's just not me
but
my intentions will be romantic,
my efforts will be romantic, and
my plans for you would be romantic.

I'm just too greenhorn in this area.
Someday though...
I will understand love.

好像把你藏起来
藏在胸前的口袋
把你慢慢的融化
你就再也离不开

我要把你藏起来
永远呵护这份爱
从此不让别人想
只准和我一个人
相爱　　　　　　　杜德为“把你藏起来“

NaNa ah, now this is "then Love must be unreasonable"

suddenly remember something feng feng said...
we were chatting over icq... then i msg this quote over,

其实很多人都患上
强迫性城市自闭症
明明可以靠得很近
也不愿打个招呼hi
宁愿用电话和手机
大家都玩起自闭游戏
就在一座繁忙的孤岛上 last 2 lines not inside, but found it meaningful too

(i didn't write these, it's courtesy of Issue 312 of iWeekly)

sent this to darryl and yizhen too. Hope it rang something in them.
It definitely rings something in me.
I'm a shy guy
I really am
The world of words represented me well
It served to help me link up with a lot of people.
But once i see all those people i was rubbishing all about in the words world,
i could hardly sustain a conversation.
Strange.
Hee... i should try to talk more, i have been trtying had all these years... i do have some success.

Feng Feng said she like to write quotes too.
And she asked me, why my quotes so sad one?
I was stunned.
I didn't really realised that.
Then i thought back at all the good essays i've written, yup, she was right?
It always have an element of sadness.
The compos i liked most are damn sad one.
Why huh?
I guessed it's my style.
I guess it exist in my personality.

I have even lost the motivation to write.
Used to want to start, never finished.
In army, lots of time, i have tried to pick up writing, well i didn't finish everytime.
Now all these reading, i feel like writing again.
When will i ever write again?
I guess the ans lies in me.

was in sch today studying
dog say i siao... go so far and study
i thot i was too... but if i could have a few good hours of good study, why not?

Except that i didn't go in a good condition
Only had 6 hours of sleep.
Forgot to bring jacket to counter the bitter coldness of the Library
Didn't really pack nor plan what to study.
And once i got to sch, hee. spend half the time talking,... in the end didn't study much.
At least i finished the China history reading, and psych chap on personality
And chat a lot today, with the usual guys, Hanyong, Yi Zhen, Desmond, Shiyun, Javen, Audrey.
We are like a gang now, i think we always managed to meet each other at the table

And i found out Desmond and Alicia are together now.
Hmmm.. interesting. Ali was afraid would see me in tamp central.
Well she doesn't know i have not step into tm or cs to shop for 2 months liao, despite living so near
Hee... wish them all the best

Saw another of my OCS buddy today while coming to school. Carl Rajoo.
My fellow bunkmate while we were having IPC in BMTC.
Funky fellow. Someone to cow around with.
Talked quite a lot, including all the stuff happening in BMTC now.
ha, things are so different now in BMTC.
Eg are Range, no more left left right. Now one lane each, and just wait for target to come up and shoot! no more reshooters too.
Something ridiculous too. 2 specs from Echo coy, pump the recruits in FBO, 200 times. They were stripped of their rank i think, and pending charge.
I mean, we in OCS also only pump most 50 in FBO. How can you pump RECRUITS in FBO.
It's banned. And ISO certified BANNED.
Asking for trouble.
Abuse of power.
Aren't the recruits humans too?
Dun they know BMTC serves as the induction stage into military life?
Dun they know those boys had been civilians all their past 18 years?
Dun they remember going thru all those only some time ago?
Confucius said: " Do not do to others, what you dun want others to do to you"

Anyway Carl, awaiting you to join me here next year. And all those OCS mates, long time no see. Hope to see you all soon. After all, we have gone thru all those shit together.
I miss them all, my comrade-in-war. I dunno wat they will think.

remember Wing Comd once told us this
about LO, army's hottest topic now.... the Learning Organisation.

Amongst the changing situation, there must be order
but within the order, there must also be disorder...

Very obvious, while everything is changing, we must operate with a good specific and strong structure, but within this structure, there can be as much disorder as possible, all things can be bent to a certain extent, so we dun kill creativity and flexibility, and thus continue to improve.

got back my hp yesterday. Very long never see it. Ha. Miss it so much
now i have to sell my white 6610 to get back as much money as possible.
remember when i got it back from IO Lim Kiew Ngoh,
she was like so straight face. See that her other colleagues were around, i also dun dare to ask anything. But i did ask her... " have the whole group being called" and she ans-ed: "yah". That was very consoling. Cheats. They have to be punished somehow.
When we settle all the procedure for collecting my hp, i gave her a big thanks.
I could see her smile.
A smile of 欣慰.
She must be so glad to been able to close yet another case
not because it's bothersome, but prob because she has helped another batch of people.
Thank you.
Really Thank you.


Saw the news just now.
Soong Meiling has passed away this morning at the age of 106.
was a bit caught back
I like the movie "The Soong Sisters"
loved the show, the music, the unfolding of history
was moved by the involvment of the women in the rewriting of the history of modern china
and now, she is gone.
To find her Jiang Jie Shi
Nationalist Party Leader, who really lost China to Mao Zedong
let the politics rest,
let the love between them take over all now
after all, they have both passed into the nether life.

Very good start to the day.
Makes me feel that i'm lucky. nope fortunate.
Always remember to use the word fortunate and not lucky...
cos Mr Soong, my pri teacher... told us before we should not use the word lucky...
cos luck this word came about from Lucifer.
So luck was associated with Lucifer.
Well.. anyway... early in the morning, before coming to school, i manage to update the SWAPS website... alone. It's not that difficult. Just had to try. Well... at least i can start updating the website. Then the comm can stop nagging at me. Ha

Next.. on the MRT. Recieved a call that was God-send. Mdm Lim Kiew Ngoh.
Finally. Investigation Officer, IO Lim Kiew Ngoh.
I can now go and collect my HP, black Nokia 6610, and wat's more $50.
Yes!
Waited like 4 months? or 5 months?
Yes... my handphone was cheated, conned, watever.. from me.
I was just too naive. Too guilable. Wai said that... Chang said that. Dog said that.
I was so angry then. Thought that kindness wasn't worth anything.

Well it went like that (decided i should jot it down... or not i will forget)
That was a Sunday... after going to Astral Mag to collect the bio-magnetic mattress... I brought Ah Foo down to talk to Daddy and mummy too.
Then i went out to meet Yi Cheng for dinner. Well he drove... so although i met him at Bugis... he drove us down to Bedok 85 market to eat.
After we finished.. he was kind enough to drive me home. Then i realised i forgot to buy bread and newspapers.. so i walked back to interchange to buy. There was where i met this bastard. Xiaolin... which i misheard as Xiaoming.
Bastard really.
He just stopped me along the way... asked me for time... and wanted to borrow my hp to make a call... using his SIM card. Well cut the story short. His father working in Spore.. he came to Spore to travel ... and look for him but the address got soggy... can't see. And so needs to call him. But called mother and found out father went Canada! So he needs me to help him. Next he tried to ask me to lend him money to live in the hotel for the night. Well i dun have the money... and i would spend so much for a stranger. But still after 15 min persuasion, I lent him $50, for his cab fee... his dinner and breakfast! because his credit card also can't use... for some reason.. but his mother coming over next morning. I was damn guilable right? i even lent him my hp! after a hasty decision. Cos he say would return next morning, and my mother was rushing me to go home. Too hasty .. i couldn't even get his hp number... so i was passive ... waiting for him to call me. And well since he left his low batt phone in my charge... which i brought to a hp dealer... who checked and told me it's spoilt.

Damn... so naive.
So many loopholes... and i cannot see thru.
I was conned. And i was a sucker. I really felt that i was a fool
Being kind and get a punishment so bad.
I
just
got
that 6610!!
for 298 bucks
A new singtel line.
2 months before, and i lost it
and still got my Starhub line to pay for
well... i soaked the first white 6610 in water
on the last day in OCS... after OM course. for 5 hours!

Now i have to buy a new 6610. to cover up.
From my mum who would say i'm stupid
and so naive, and blow her top.
and i did... another 330 bucks
bought it second hand
money borrowed from
Yuanchang... and
who is so fool
to spend
$1000
on
3
6610!!!!

That's me! naive.
I was so devastated. Shouting to myself. With all the vulgars picked up in army
First scold that bastard.
next scold myself
I will never be so kind again. Reality kills kindness. For me.
I'll try
Not to be kind

Well...since the topic today is i'm happy.
Well next on the MRT.... i finished the script of Angels in America. Finally found the scene to do . just nice for my group to do... just the right amount of character.
Act 3. Scene 4, 5, 6.
And we progress quite a lot in our discussion. Yes!
So now... it's time to study. And try my best to do well!
Well... all's well that ends well.
I hope.

suddenly had this perception. and felt the urge to just jot it down, before i forget.
still on war movies. actually it's a after-feeling of Windtalkers.

This particaular scene. Last objective of the 8th Marine. This bastard who earlier beat up Ben Yahzee... laughing at his look-alike with the Nipponese (that is Japanese). That was real discrimination. But wat can you say. As he explained later on during the march. His grandparents used to hunt.... hunt the Navajos... and were so proud of it... that they influenced him since young. Navajos are primitive.. are not that superior. It was alright to ostrasize them.
So Americans and Navajos were age old enemies.
But now... the Navajos and the Americans are working togther to bring down the Japanese. On the island of Saipan. And thru the language of the Navajos... the CODE.. will bring down the Japanese... wipe them out... bomb them ... and save the Marines, and the lives of many Americans.

There are never eternal enemies.
There is no clear definition of who is your enemy.
When there is a true cause... a common enemy... a common objective, enemies might work hand in hand to deal with their new enemy. OR work together to achieve success of common benefits. Again... it stress to me the meaning of brotherhood. We are all men, why discriminate each other based on skin colour, why on race, why on culture.
Bless all humans, it will not take another war to make all human realise that there was no need for them to fight each other.

It is the same issue with friends.. i think
There are never ever-lasting enemies. What was the enimity between you all... Was it for some stupid reasons?
Sort them out hopefully.
Better to make another friend and lose another enemy
Dun lose another friends and make another enemy
It all begins with you.
For you to take the first step
I am trying to take my first step. Still trying to find my strength to take that first step.
Let's do it together.

went to the beach to study today... on the intention of want to suntan also.
think i damn unlucky. Once i found my spot.... laid down my hammock-make-shift mat... and the sun disappear.... for the next 4 hours. But also good loh... the breeze was good. Although i can't really concentrate all the time... but i think i read quite an amount of my nevid text.

Then i went jogging again. Ran a different route today... also dunno how long it is ... but i ran quite fast... so by 15 min i completed the route. sure never reach 5 km one... so i ran another 10 min plus around the park to make it up. I want to keep fit. Dunno why also. But when i bathe... i recalled something. Long long time ago... i wanted to upgrade and become combat fit. I wanted to go BMT, and i wanted to go OCS. But where i am now... everyone envies me. I am a clerk. automatically. Why in the world would i want to give up my position. I remember long ago my mother always say i too skinny... and i always say go army i will become stronger one. But i ended up as clerk. So i dun have chance to even go train. i guess one big reason behind my motivation... was also for that image problem. I want to look better with a bigger build also. By training then is that possible. That was one reason i want to upgrade.

Continue from the war movie part...
ha... back in OCS... remember early when it was still TST and ST1. They were teaching Military history. And wing comd took one of his core value lesson, and showed us "A Few Good Men". A really good movie, the part that caught me was how US Marines could be so determined to protect and stand by their CODE. not a morse code thing. It's like the SAF Core values... it's actually a set of values that they stand by with. It set me thinking. Then I watched clips of Saving Private Ryan, Thin Red Line etc... and realised how soldiers are able to die for each other. How they save each other admist raining bullets, and end up being blown up to pieces by artillery. Yup... when in a war...
wat matters is really the guy next to you.
wat matters is the guy who has gone thru shit together with you
wat matters is that you are there to bring him out of his shit
wat matters is that then he will be there to bring you out of yours

Fell in love with war movies then. The scenes are bloody, you see arms and legs flying everywhere. You see bodies flying high up. Soldiers getting gunned down by MG.. it's so common. Strangely... the protagonist are always the Americans. In We Were Soldiers, Americans stood high... a whole Division of North Vietnamese can't clear them... In Windtalkers.... the Japs were killed like nothing compared to the 8th Marine.

They showed me a clear example, of how a leader should be. It enhanced the meaning, of wat we were taught: the first to go and the last to leave. At least i dun train without a meaning in OCS then.

I like the brotherhood portrayed.
I like the way men fought for each other
I would like to be able to do that if we are called to arms.

Fri nite, we had our subcomm meeting. Quite a socializing event for me. Felt like i was acting. No strong passion for the meeting at all. Except perhaps to meet new people? Anyway... given my personality, I am the shy type.. sometimes i won't take the initiative to go talk to people. Frankly i dun have much to say about that meeting. Except that i have 3 very chatty girls in my sub comm... i call them the Charlie's Angels... they wore black together, unanimously. Fion, Gin, Yoke Wen. At least Javen has a common concensus on something. Gin was quite a pretty girl. Anyway, did enjoy the talk cock session after the event though. The 8 of us, sitting at the rooftop of the function room area. Playing Zhong ji Mi ma, and getting to know each other's sexual preference. Ha, Javen is one good questioner. Remember something Yvonne said. She says she quite admires my steadiness and calmness when dealing with situations, but she can't talk to me one. Well, hopes she knows that it is normal, cos i can't really communicate well with girls. I am sorry yvonne... you are a nice girl, it's me... i dun open up easily.
Sat... met up with Maggie, diana, efran today at esplanade to discuss about our prac exam. Decided.. we'll do Angels in America. Well... not too sure about acting... cos i dun think i can act. Ha... i see another case similar to yvonne. I can see maggie had a bit problem chatting with me. Ha. What can i do... i dunno how to communicate effectively with girls. But i would really like to know them better. Anyway all the best for your prac exam... zhisheng! hee. Rushed back after that to finish my lab assignment.
Watched Windtalkers DVD. Another war movie. A genre which i really enjoy. Never before during JC days... but crazy about it after Army. After all, army let me see things in a different light. Matured now. Everything changes. The value of life stands on a different note in my life now. Well.. talk about that tomorrow. Time to sleep... if not Mama scolds again.

Been trying to re-adjust my sleeping time, so i dun sleep at 2 everynight, and wake up at 9 every morning. The reason for such a regime, is due to studies. I want to wake up early to study... and also if i sleep late and wake up early, i would most prob doze off during lectures. That defeats the purpose of spending time to go for lecture. Dog said this before, if you want to go lecture and fall asleep, then might as well dun waste your time going.. And i have to agree with him, cos i am one such guy who does not like to waste time when it comes to work. Back in JC days till army days, i guess i was worse. I thought sleeping was a waste of time. Back in the good old days of OCS, all my friends always nap in the afternoon, I would always tidy my stuff, and pack my things, or write something. Whenever Gab, my buddy ask, I would always say, I dun believe in sleeping in the afternoon. There's a time for everything. When in the day, it's time to work, i do something, and dun waste my time sleeping. Then at night, go sleep! since we always get into trouble not sleeping at night. Remember the turn-outs. I was seriously wrong then .Such was my habit, that i suffered very badly in some overnight exercise. When night comes, i must sleep, and i would always doze off. Just fighting all the way to keep myself awake. Patrol field camp, Eric was the Sect comd for the back-to-back mission. Recce mission. I was fucked upside down by LTA Duncan. Guess what i did. We walked from start pt to objective, a 7km walk. And I dozed off while walking... how do i know... where got people walk from beside the road to centre of the road one! That was it... i must change...
So you see... we are always adapting to our environment, to ensure survival. So much for my sleep experience!

After a while at SWAPS table today... I went to the library to study. My main aim is to read up chapter 12 of Nevid... about personality. And i know i can't do it without a good sleep first. Because if i keep dozing off during reading or nothing goes into my mind as i read, I will be wasting my time. And i dun want to waste time. Something interesting is the item on Sigmund Freund's theory, the one about Oedipus Complex and Electra Complex. Well... his penis theory just sound too chauvanist. Well boys have a penis (so have castration anxiety), and girls dun have, so they develop penis envy, which is the basis why some have Electra Complex, cos they desire their father's penis, which in later life changes to desire for babies.. so now it's babies penis. Mr Freund, woman are so low creatures, are they?

Something rather interesting was my RP expt today. Helping Ms Apitchaya with a follow up on the expt on verbal memory. An RP with 4 credits... ha.. good good. The experiment is about brain - wave measures. She put a cap on my head with some gel for conductivity and see the electrical wave that the brain generates when you see the pictures that are related or unrelated to the story I heard. Quite mundane but also something new.. so quite fun. Chatted with her a while... then i realised she not the ordinary NUS student. She's not a undergraduate... ha. She's from Thailand, and is a post-graduate... pursuing her Phd here now in NUS.

After a brief encounter with the women of swaps after lab today... I feel frustrated. The stupid thing about the personality test that they had. Small test... and i got quite pissed off by it. Somemore when june rebutted what i said with her own psych theory.. and shuxuan's provoking speech... I was simply turned off. I felt not knowledgable enough. I am unconsciously fighting for my image in front of them. So self protective. So unconciously. Well that makes me really wonder what my unconcscious mind is thinking. I am trying hard to control a lot of my impulses.

What kind of a beast am i within?

I dun like to share with people who i am underneath... cos i think it will scare them off... so i am consistently covering myself... now i think whether it's to the point of totally trying to repress myself.

I dun feel truly happy these half a year. Perhaps even for the last 2 years. I dun have a friend to speak my inner thoughts to, not consistently. And so i start to repress everything. Like an inflated balloon. Does that make me hostile? and increase my aggresiveness? I am just channeling everything away. Ah... someone give me the tools to understand myself.

At least on a positive note... i am able to cope with my inner self.

Does a blog = an online diary? Well... just have to try to know... created this for a few months liao i think ... but didn't have the patience to sit down and type in the 1st entry.
It thurs today... a day I always hope for somehow. The emphasis and attention that i am giving to Psychology... even i myself find it amazing. I have always been interested in psychology, or have i been telling myself too much that i am interested in psychology that now i can't stop myself from falling deep into the field of psychology? I know I am very "hao sheng", have a desire to win. Topping the school unexpectedly has set the standard and mentality too high up for me to upkeep. Not shown explicitly in my behaviour, but that standard is telling me not to lose out, not to fall behind, after all you were once top, once up there. So as my results fell thru the years and i end up in the average band again, i see myself as being defeated. The psychology that I am studying now enables me to explain it in one way. I have found an escape route out. I have been telling myself all these years that it's ok... i have benefitted from being actively involved in ECAs, i have learnt a lot to compensate what i lost out in studies. "Cognitive dissonance" they call it. An unplesant state of tension where attitudes are inconsistent with behaviour. It seems i have changed my attitude so that it justify my behaviour of lacking behind in my studies. I dunno. I would really like to better know myself.